Well, I am here to tell you that things are still hard. I am still struggling. I’ve had bad days and really bad days. I have days where I feel alone and days where I feel like I’m not heard. I still struggle with where do I fit in on this team and finding the good in what I have to contribute. The devil has filled my head with so many lies and so many seeds of doubt that I’m trying to make out the truth, but it’s so hard. One minute I am laughing and enjoying my time, and the next I am wondering what I have to bring to the team. One minute I am playing with kids and feeling loved, and the next I judge my relationship versus the relationship they have with others, wondering why I don’t have that and what I am doing wrong. I see all the fun everyone else is having while I am in the midst of all these internal trials and can’t help but think where did I go wrong? Where do I fit in? What am I contributing? Am I even making an impact?
Today was by far one of the hardest days I have had. I cried for maybe two hours on and off, questioning God about why I was here, about what impacting I was making, about if I was even being useful. I was so excited to be at one ministry site consistently but to not feel included like the other two girls really broke me. I didn’t understand what I was doing wrong, why I didn’t fit in, why I wasn’t included. God had brought me to my all time low.
I sat in awe feeling God’s presence and realizing I wasn’t alone. I took a step back and realized that everything I was feeling was me, me, and more me. I didn’t even stop to ask God to show me what He was trying to do through me. I realized then that none of this is about me, but its all about Him. I might not have all of the deepest connections, but I can see the work that is being done to further the kingdom of God. I can see that God doesn’t NEED me or anyone for that matter, but instead He chooses to allow us to work to glorify His name. I realized that I have so much more time and now I have something to really spur me on to make more connections and be more intentional. I have no more excuses. I am not going to try and use my own strength to make these connections but instead allow God to work through me and use me as He wishes. I’m not saying I don’t still hurt, and I’m not saying that I feel adequate enough to continue to serve; but I am saying that God does have it all under control and at the end of the day it doesn’t matter what I did, but it matters what He did through me. I am still struggling, but I relying on God with all of my struggles.
“ Oh Holy Spirit burn like a fire, all consuming, consume me
Here is your presence, Lord I surrender, to your glory, for your glory”
Kendall Gill 