I’m really struggling. There’s really no other way to put how I feel. I have been back in Peru for less than a week and I have already encountered difficulties that I didn’t even know existed. I can feel the spiritual warfare in my heart. My body is exhausted and so is my mind.
If you would have asked me, I never would have thought that I struggled with comparison and self doubt. But lately I have felt an incredible wave of self doubt. I’m not good enough. I can’t connect with the kids the way she does. I don’t feel included. I’m not carefree like her. I don’t feel the same joy they appear to have. I don’t fit in here like they do. What am I missing? God, why do you have me here and what am I to learn? Yes, you have given me one piece of the puzzle, but what’s is the bigger picture here? I never realized how exhausting comparison is, constantly watching others and comparing that image to myself. I’m hoping that by typing all of this out and sharing it with you, that I can start to release the fear that I have. The fear of not be accepted or not being good enough. The fear that not everyone is going to like me. For those of you who know me, I am a huge people pleaser. I don’t like those above me to think bad of me and so in return I take their relationship with others and compare it to their relationship with me. I am just full of comparison.
But here is where I take a step back and try to see the bigger picture. I look at the connections I have made. The adults and children that remember me from past years, and can’t help think, maybe I am doing something right? Maybe I am reflecting Christ to those around me? I made enough of an impact for them to remember who I am. I see people from past years that I don’t get to see all the time anymore and to see their face light up when they see me, makes my time here worth it, and more. To know that I have made an impact in my past years and that this isn’t all just for fun and games.
For those of you who don’t know me very well or haven’t had the opportunity to know how I am looking towards the future, here it is. Currently, I am in Peru and I am here until May. Then I will be going home and working over the summer. In August classes start for me and I will continue to work while I take those ( most of those being online). In January, if all goes according to plan, I will be attending the University of Florida and studying the major of International Studies focusing in Latin America with an emphasis on business and administration. I will be in the program for two years and then I have no clue what I am doing next. God has got a plan for my life and currently I am learning that I do not need to plan out every little aspect of my life.
I had an awesome conversation about three weeks ago, with one of the missionaries here. The question of what next constantly bouncing around in my mind (in context of Inca Link). I have been on short term teams, I have been an intern, and now I have been apart of Link Year, but what next with my future with Inca Link, or is this the end? That’s when I was told, that yes, I have the experience of being here, but so does every single person that has every been on a team, been an intern, or been on Link Year. But maybe there are skills that I can’t gain from being down here serving, but that I can gain in the states. What is it that I can bring to the table of Inca Link in the future, and what does that look like? Another ministry leader put it this way; she lifts all of her desires to God and then follows that with asking that her current desires line up with what God desires for her life. I also have to give my mom some credit, always telling me that I need to find my niche in international missions and where I can best see myself serving in the future. So those are my three goals for the rest of my time here:
1.) What do I bring to the table
2.) Am I constantly seeking God and lifting up my desires to Him to find the desires that line up with His will for my life
3.) To find my niche in international missions – yes I love working with teams (oh, how I miss my teams from last summer!!) and the different childrens’ ministries, but even within that, what does it look like?
So I have to thank y’all. I apologize that this is a tad long, but this is where I am sitting. Struggles, spiritual warfare, but tons of connections and friendships that I am so glad that I have that I can lean on. I don’t want y’all to think for a second that I regret doing Link Year or that I am miserable, because neither or those are true. But I also don’t want everyone to think it’s just rainbows and butterflies.
Also, I wanna give a mega shoutout to Esther and Allison. I don’t actually know if y’all read my blogs, but thank y’all so much for your friendship. For always checking in on me to see how I am doing, for always lifting up encouraging words and kindness, and for always giving me a hug when y’all know I need it before I do. You girls are so inspiring and I have no clue where I would be without y’all. I love y’all so much. Thank you for always pushing me to grow, for always putting up with my cravings of pizza, and always putting up with my sarcasm. I will never be able to express how much you both have impacted my life. I am so sad we only have two months left together! Love you chicas !
Kendall Gill 