Hey everyone, I wanted to apologize in advance for not updating my blog much and also for the length of this post. I have contemplated a lot about even writing one to be honest. But I just want to be raw with how I am feeling and would appreciate any encouragement or prayers y’all have to offer 🙂 ! Thank you in advance.
It’s crazy to think that it has been almost a year since I left South America. While it was a year of immense growth (even though I couldn’t see it at the time), it was also a year of challenges. While it was a year of new relationships and continuing old ones, it was a year of inner battles and discovering more about myself. I look back on my time in South America and instantly regret so many things. I am able to look back and see all the opportunities I missed, all the things I could have done differently, and am left with the “what ifs”. “What if I would have spent more time getting to know that person?” “What if I wasn’t so worried about myself and worried more about those around me?” The list could honestly go on and on. So many have asked me about my time in South America and I like to share the good parts, the fun parts. But when I get to the part about the difficult parts, I can barely choke out the words most of the time. See the utter truth is that my heart still hurts, the God is still revealing so much to me about not only my time in South America, but also things about myself that I never knew. I was always so used to pushing my emotions down to appear okay or act like life is great, but deep down I was hiding my hurt, even from myself.
This past year has been full of exciting memories. I spent the first two months being home traveling everywhere. I went to Michigan and Tennessee to visit family, I went to WOLBI in Hudson, FL to hang out with some awesome kids for the week, and spent tons of time diving in with friends and family in my own town. But the one thing I didn’t do…? Take time for myself. To be honest, I never knew or experienced processing something before my summer as an intern with Inca Link. I never took the time to assess how I was feeling or truly open myself completely to what God could have been teaching me to the fullest extent in those times. The crazy thing is, while I feel all this pain and feel at an all time spiritual low now, summer of 2019 I felt like I was at an all time spiritual high. I often ask myself where it went wrong, and I don’t think I could give you a specific date. But as I have come to this valley in my life, I know I can only go up from here.
Currently I am attending the University of Florida, a dream of mine since I was a little girl. While I am loving every moment, and meeting so many incredible people I lack a community of girls that can encourage me in a spiritual way. I have the desire to find a home church in Gainesville, but find myself too “busy” and tend to be home most weekends anyways (it’s a three hour drive). I tell myself to get connected, but feel trapped behind that word “busy” again. I see my friends in other states around me with these awesome communities of believers and get so jealous and discouraged, and instead of pushing me to seek even more, I find it pushing me away. I’ve come to realize that the only person I can blame for this is myself. I am having an internal battle and no one knows about it but me. But God is stronger and makes my huge internal battle so small. Before I flew to Virginia two weeks ago, I ran into a friend at the airport (an airport I don’t usually fly out of). We spotted each other and got a moment to chat before realizing that we were on the same flight (what a small world!!) ! Within that moment I was able to share a little of my hardships, and come to find out, she attends a church about an hour south of me and one of the pastors was leaving to open up a sister church in Gainesville! On top of that she was starting a college-aged bible study which is about a 30 minute commute and there was a girl from my town already making the drive, so we could easily carpool. I was so amazed at the opportunities that God was literally laying out for me, without me actually asking! It was if God was laughing at that word “busy” that I kept trying to hide behind. Fast forward to Virginia where I got to see my dear friend Allison who did Link Year with me. Little did I realize that that short time in Virginia was going to be so impactful.
My short time in Virginia was just that. Short. I got to spend time with Allison, experience Liberty University (such as awesome school), and meet a lot of the community the Allison has in Lynchburg. I felt so welcomed and was accepted as part of the group from day one. They encouraged me, made me laugh, and we got to have some awesome conversations about God and what He has done and what He is doing in our lives. ( I love you all my Latina sisters, thank you so much for those impactful couple of days! ❤ ). But I think what was the most refreshing was being able to talk with Allison about a lot of the hardships that I was, and still am, going through. There were a tears and there was laughter, but most importantly I was able to share my heart and not hold my feelings in. I know I still have a lot of uncovered hurts, but in all honesty, I feel that God is still working on them little by little.
One of the hardest decisions I had made was not returning to with my team members to Peru the second time. I watched from afar the connections that were made or continued. I watched them bond and it hurt to not be apart of that. I missed watching God move in such incredible ways and was sad that I was not able to be apart of that. But as the same time, I felt and still feel that I had made the best decision for myself. I had not fully processed my feelings from the year before and was not ready to return again. To be completely honest, I still don’t feel ready to return and as much as I don’t like the unknown, I don’t know when I will be. All of that being said, I am still pursing a major in International Studies with an emphasis on Latin America. I am looking to pursue a minor in Teaching English as a Second Language as well as International Development and Humanitarian Assistance. And even though this is far off, I would potentially like to attend Liberty University and pursue a Masters in Theology. I still feel that God has placed/is placing International Missions, as well as the region of Latin America on my heart, but I feel Him telling me to wait.
To current time, I am currently home from school, doing all of my classes online, along with practically every other university student in the country. I am working a little but have more down time then I am used to. And while I would normally find this as a negative, I am actually excited. I am excited to have time to rest, time to dive into the Word and listen to podcasts and preachers from all over. I am excited to not be so “busy”, and I am actually forced to settle down and rest. While I am apprehensive about the truths it will bring, I know I need the time to fully open up to myself about the hardships I have been suppressing.
While I hate to leave it on that note, that is the honest, cold hard truth about where I am currently. Once again, I apologize for this being so long, but I need to say it all. If you made it to the bottom, thank you for continuing to support me in all that I am doing. I am exciting to see where the rest of this year will take me, and I know God has a lot in store for me.
Love y’all, Kendall
Prayer Requests
- That this time of rest would be used wisely in that I would not only complete my course work, but have time to rest in God!
- Guidance and wisdom as registration for Summer and Fall semesters quickly approach.
- Those with small businesses in my community (such as my current job as well as my fathers business), as they rely on our community to keep them afloat in these difficult times!
- That we would be able to set aside the fear in our minds and instead put faith in our God throughout this difficult time.
Kendall Gill 